Mixture of Feelings

This past week has been extremely hard for me and I can only imagine that the next few will be equally as hard. The reason it has been so hard is realizing that before I know it, it will be my last day. Before I know it, I will be moving away from the people I have spent the last two years pouring into, loving, and sharing my life with. I have had many fitful nights of sleep, weird, upsetting dreams, and just realizing the big impact Breakthrough and the people of Chicago have really made on my life.

Of course, I cannot wait to spend some quality time with my nieces. To actually be able to go see them whenever brings joy to my heart. I also can't wait to spend day in and out with Jeremy, learning more about him and our relationship. And of course, spending real time with my family is also very exciting.

Yet, as I sit here, planning for tomorrow's activities, I cannot wait to see my kids' smiling faces again. It literally breaks my heart to know that before long, I will not see them for a really extended period of time. I wonder, how will I tell them? I feel as though I am letting them down. I feel as though I am almost forsaking them. Is that weird? I know that it is time, I know that Chicago is not "home" for me, yet it is so difficult to think about leaving the children whom I have invested so much of my time in.

Just yesterday, we had our final softball game of the season (WE WON YAY) and as the game ended and we were packing up to leave, I looked into the eyes of one of my children and broke down. She was like why are you so upset? I just said its the end of the season, I just can't believe its already here. She was satisfied with that but I thought to myself, its more than just the end of the season for me.

Of course, change is always difficult. Leaving a place is always super hard and I know that God will lead me in a new direction and eventually I will find a new organization to pour my heart into. Yet, again, it is extremely difficult for me to think about that right now. I am trying so hard to stay "present" and really value every moment I have with the kids for I know before long it'll come to an end.

Please pray for me as this time is coming to an end. Please pray that I will spend the next 5 weeks truly enjoying my time with my kids and friends here. Please pray that this transition will go smoothly, God will give me complete peace about leaving, and that I will be able to find a job as soon as possible. With making as little as I have, my savings is practically drained so I'm not sure how long I can live without a job.

God is good. I know this. I know this as I say hi to my neighbors and we talk about the weather. I know this as I walk down the street and watch the kids playing in the fire hydrants. I know this as I splash in the water, laughing as the kids try to show me how they can "swim." I know this as I laugh and tease Kanika for being a granny. I know this as Andrea and I go to the beach on Sundays and get some real rest from a long week. I know this as I watch the determination on the faces of our girls as they get up to bat. I know this because every single day I wake up and realize that my life is NOT my own, that I have been crucified with Christ and I know longer live but He in me. I know this because He called me to a purpose greater than my own. I know this because I am fully aware that He is in complete control of my future and that wherever I go next, I will go with the desire to share His love and teach His word.

Sadness. Joy. Fear. Love. Excitement. Worried...A mixture of feelings as I go throughout my days.

Be present. This is all I desire the next few weeks. Please pray for me!

God bless you all.