Mixture of Feelings

This past week has been extremely hard for me and I can only imagine that the next few will be equally as hard. The reason it has been so hard is realizing that before I know it, it will be my last day. Before I know it, I will be moving away from the people I have spent the last two years pouring into, loving, and sharing my life with. I have had many fitful nights of sleep, weird, upsetting dreams, and just realizing the big impact Breakthrough and the people of Chicago have really made on my life.

Of course, I cannot wait to spend some quality time with my nieces. To actually be able to go see them whenever brings joy to my heart. I also can't wait to spend day in and out with Jeremy, learning more about him and our relationship. And of course, spending real time with my family is also very exciting.

Yet, as I sit here, planning for tomorrow's activities, I cannot wait to see my kids' smiling faces again. It literally breaks my heart to know that before long, I will not see them for a really extended period of time. I wonder, how will I tell them? I feel as though I am letting them down. I feel as though I am almost forsaking them. Is that weird? I know that it is time, I know that Chicago is not "home" for me, yet it is so difficult to think about leaving the children whom I have invested so much of my time in.

Just yesterday, we had our final softball game of the season (WE WON YAY) and as the game ended and we were packing up to leave, I looked into the eyes of one of my children and broke down. She was like why are you so upset? I just said its the end of the season, I just can't believe its already here. She was satisfied with that but I thought to myself, its more than just the end of the season for me.

Of course, change is always difficult. Leaving a place is always super hard and I know that God will lead me in a new direction and eventually I will find a new organization to pour my heart into. Yet, again, it is extremely difficult for me to think about that right now. I am trying so hard to stay "present" and really value every moment I have with the kids for I know before long it'll come to an end.

Please pray for me as this time is coming to an end. Please pray that I will spend the next 5 weeks truly enjoying my time with my kids and friends here. Please pray that this transition will go smoothly, God will give me complete peace about leaving, and that I will be able to find a job as soon as possible. With making as little as I have, my savings is practically drained so I'm not sure how long I can live without a job.

God is good. I know this. I know this as I say hi to my neighbors and we talk about the weather. I know this as I walk down the street and watch the kids playing in the fire hydrants. I know this as I splash in the water, laughing as the kids try to show me how they can "swim." I know this as I laugh and tease Kanika for being a granny. I know this as Andrea and I go to the beach on Sundays and get some real rest from a long week. I know this as I watch the determination on the faces of our girls as they get up to bat. I know this because every single day I wake up and realize that my life is NOT my own, that I have been crucified with Christ and I know longer live but He in me. I know this because He called me to a purpose greater than my own. I know this because I am fully aware that He is in complete control of my future and that wherever I go next, I will go with the desire to share His love and teach His word.

Sadness. Joy. Fear. Love. Excitement. Worried...A mixture of feelings as I go throughout my days.

Be present. This is all I desire the next few weeks. Please pray for me!

God bless you all.

lots of different things...all in one post! :)

i have all these things circulating in my mind and i want to put them down on paper, but alas they probably won't come out as eloquently or flowing as i would hope for. i[m not even sure what i want this post to be about, i just knew i wanted to write.

i think mainly i want to write about life. my life in particular. see, its changed so much since i moved to chicago. i'm not sure anyone would notice, so maybe i'm not as changed as i think. i don't know though because i feel it. i feel so strongly about things i never thought twice about before. i feel so passionately about things that were only a fleeting thought in the past. i hurt by some words and actions that i used to would have said/done myself.

anyways. enough about that. i think i'd rather turn to sports...always a safe topic for me!

today i was approached by a co-worker about a position that is open at my work. i haven't applied but he is encouraging me (for the 3rd time in the past month!) that i would be a perfect canidate for the position. the position is community fitness and health coordinator. basically what the person would do is coordinate all the sports leagues and health stuff at our work. considering my bachelor's is in kinesiology, i have previously worked as athletic director with urban youth, a performance trainer with athletes, and interned as a trainer, fitness lab assistant, and fitness class instructor...i have a lot of experience in this area. i also have relationships with our students and am very familiar already with our sports leagues. so, yeah. i guess on paper i am a perfect canidate. anyways, all that to say...i still haven't officially applied. there are a couple of reasons why i haven't yet, which will not be discussed in this post. :)

2-4th grade basketball has officially ended. yesterday was our last and worst game of the season. it was pretty embarrassing for me and for the kids. we lost by over 30 points. they just were tired, scared, and nervous...and they plyaed like it. so we and the other breakthrough team had a pizza party today. me and the coach of the other team went around and talked about each player individually. i had something to say about all of my kids. for example tyree who was our "team captain" and i put alot of weight on his shoulders but he was up to the task every game. or devin, who was probably our worst player in the beginning but by the end of our season became the most improved and i could say...he's a basketball player now. or yakira, whom i enjoyed watching her turn into a scaredy cat into someone who wanted the ball everytime the court...who was more dedicated to the game than anyone else on our team. i realized that the ones i was most proud of on my team today was not the athletes. it wasn't the stars of our team...it was the ones that came to every practice...who tried so hard to learn and to get better...who always came out with a smile on their faces and never complained. i would take a whole team of devins (even though we'd lose everygame...oh wait we did!) over a team of stars because the devins are the ones that play with heart...the devins are the ones that i love to coach.

i went to our team selection for 7th-8th grade today. our team should be pretty strong. we have kyree, who is top 3 in the league and then shamesha...who may be a girl, but can play better than most of the boys out there. i'm excited to see how it turns out. we have our first game this saturday...oh and soccer starts next weekend too, so i'm gonna be pretty busy the rest of the school year!!!!

finally, in other kind of related, not so related news...NCAA Tourney has started! I made a million different brackets but the two i'm focused on are my one with my family and then my one with breakthrough. YES, I am first in our breakthrough pool. Of 25 people...i am first as of right now. i did have one of my final four teams knocked out though. I picked Drake of all teams to go to the final four...not sure what i was thinking! but, yeah...they are gone already. oh and of course, in my family bracket i have marquette in the final four. they also got knocked out. i'm not too worried about that one though cuz my dad had duke *YUCK* in the finals and they got knocked out as well :) yay!

so, i hope to come out the victor in both brackets...i'll prolly be last in all of them when it's all said and done...but secretly i love it when a female comes out winning against a bunch of males cuz they all think girls don't know how to pick! :)

god bless you all!

oh and i know most of you reading this are probably not a fan of obama, but i am. i listened to his speech in response to his former pastor's comments on race and i was blown away. living here, in this community...his words just really struck a cord with me. i encourage you...friend or foe of obama to listen to his speech. you may be surprised at what he has to say!

again...god bless you all!