So I'm actually typing this as I'm riding in the car headed to Arkansas. I know, the beauty of technology! Or maybe the sadness of it all...being so connected to the world at all times!

Sitting here or as I like to say it, setting here...driving back to the place I grew up, its just all very surreal. Almost like it shouldn't be happening. Of course I shed some tears today, especially when I saw tears falling from my kids eyes but also saying goodbye to my good friend and coworker Robin.

The drive is always the worst. You begin to think of all the shoulda coulda wouldas and it just depresses you more. I wonder if I could have done things differently, I mean I know the impact I've had has been huge, I know that I am leaving a good "wake" and not a bad one but yet I still can't help but sit and wonder if I could have done more. Have I lived these last two years to the fullest? I hope so. I would like to believe so.

I know I'm leaving changed and I hope that in some ways, the kids have changed as well. I hope that I have done what God has called me to do these last two years.

I know that these next few days will be very hard for me...trying to find my way again, figuring out how to navigate the job search process and living in a place that will probably seem a little foreign to me at first.

I hope that it doesn't hit me all at once...I hope I can ease into it. I am nervous and worried and scared. Yet as I was talking to a friend of mine, she reminded me ever so gently that God is in control and to haved Faith that he will provide and be with me in this transition.

I am so thankful for these amazing women who are blessing me with an almost free ride to Arkansas. The laughter and good times we are already having could beat a u haul any day!

So as I am headed home, I am fully aware of my sadness but also the love I have felt these last few days. Surround me with love Jesus, it is exactly what I need!

My last night

Tonight is my very last night in Chicago. This week has been super crazy, trying to hang out with as many people as I can as well as start classes, pack, and finish up work. Like I said...CRAZY!

Last night I went to dinner with one of my favorite high schoolers. It was super cute cuz she was like, lets go to dinner, my treat! How can I say no to free food? lol I can't wait to see her in five, 10 years, I know God is going to do some great things in her life!

I went downtown today with my very good friend, Maria and had coffee at Intelligentsia. Such good coffee! Man, am I going to miss all the coffeeshops around here! I also sold my car today and even got to see a lot of my kids at the center and then of course, a couple had to come over and hang out at the house. :)

Anyways, what better way to spend the evening then take four of my favorite kids out to dinner? :) Yes, thats right I spent my last night hanging with the kids. Ha. Anyways, we all loaded up in the car and went to TGIFridays. The kids absolutely loved it. They are so great. One of them, definitely one of my top 3 or 4 favorite kids in this world said as the other girls told her to quiet down (she is super loud all the time!), she laughed and said, "i'm just happy...i'm out with Shasta!" That moment...right there. It just melted my heart. Tonight I am reminded that all I want to do in my life is exactly what I was doing right then. Building relationships. These kids, not just those four but all of them...they are the most amazing kids I've ever met.

The food was great, a couple of the girls were contemplating unbuttoning their pants they were so full lol. I advised them not to! Ha! But yeah, it was so wonderful just to spend one last night sharing my life with them.

Anyways, this week has been very hard. I wish I could describe how hard it is to know how sad some of the kids are that I am leaving. I can see it in their faces, hear it in the voices, and feel it by the way they act. Youth ministry is the most rewarding thing in the world but it is also the hardest thing in the world as well. There have been many times I have just wanted to scream from frustration (and sometimes I did!) but all the wonderful, life giving times I have had with them overshadow any frustration. I am so grateful and thankful that two years ago God opened the doors for me to come up here. I do not know where I would be today if not. I just know that God and Breakthrough has changed me so much through this experience.

Chicago will always be in my heart. These kids, my coworkers and friends...they will always be in my heart. As I move forward, I can promise you there will be many tears, I'm sure I will be a little depressed at first, but I will also treasure the moments and times I've had and move on, knowing that God is NOT done with me yet!

Chicago, Breakthrough, everyone I've come into contact with these past two years...I love you and will never forget you.

God bless you all!

I feel as though life is moving at this really fast pace and I can't really keep up. People keep asking me, what are you going to do when you move? Where will you live? Job? ect ect. All valid questions, yet all questions I really have no answer to. I know that in just five short days, I will be moving. I know that there is a sadness around me that I can't completely put my finger on and I know that my heart will ache for the kids and people here that have become like second family to me. I have started to pack although I have less than what the normal person has. I guess that comes from being a serial mover. I feel like I'm always moving. I just want to settle. One of the biggest desires in my life is to find a place that is permanent. I'm sick of all this moving around.

Denver was great. I barely thought about the future, mainly just relaxed and ate lots and lots of food. :) Yet, I came back to an empty desk and questions that I have no answers for. Am I ready to leave? I am in a way because I am sick of being in this transitional space. I also long to wrap my arms around my two beautiful nieces and knock my twin bro in the head a couple times. But, I am not ready to leave my kids here. Not ready to say goodbye knowing that they do not understand any of this; knowing that the relationships I've built with them were all too short.

So I sit in the dark, wondering why I feel so...uneasy. So...confused and restless. I know that God has called me back to Arkansas for a reason. I know this. I know that I am so excited to be close to my family and Jeremy. Yet, there is so much unknowns.

And I will wait. I will try and make it through these next 4 days. Making the most of every opportunity, yet pulling away so that the tears don't fall as readily as I know my heart wants them to. Tommorrow night I have a small going away party so I can say goodbye to the children who have stolen my heart. Oh how I pray that it isn't a big emotional rollercoaster but instead it will be a moment of closure.

I hold onto to the fact that God calls me to a bigger purpose. That instead of sacrifces and "works" he calls me to "Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly." I hold onto the fact that He is at work in my life and He will open doors and lead me to another, wonderful place.

God. You are my rock and my only sanity during this time. May I lean on you when I feel so helpless.


God bless you all.

Camp 2009

Today I got back from Camp Timber-lee 2009. I can sum it up in one word...EXAUSTING. :)

It was tiring but also wonderful. I got to spend some quality time with some of my favorite people on earth. There were moments of frustration and fleeting thoughts of "get me out of here" but even more moments of laughter and smiles. From day one to the last day, I was forever thanking God for the opportunity for my kids to get a chance to spend a week away from their neighborhood and the distractions of the city. They are different out there... happier and free to be kids again and all of them love it! From being chased by llamas, and playing thousands of games of carpet ball, to saving drowning kittens and having "michael jackson" dancing parties in the cabin...this was definitely a year to remember.



Here are just a few of my favorite pictures and a video of one of the girls freaking out when we were in the paddle boats :)




Haha. I call her granny...this is my failed attempt at a "G"

Hmmm...what can I say that isn't already been said in this picture? These two girls are hiliarous.

Them after we saved the kitten...its hard to see it but we named her "River" (although it was a lake we were in...hmmm...)



Giving me the "eye"....her attempt at being evil...she doesn't have an evil bone in her body, truly one of the sweetest, most amazing kids I've ever had the pleasure of knowing!




Ahh...and this picture is for you mom...this snake kept wrapping around my arm...it made me a little nervous but I loved it! :)






Although I'm exhausted, I know that camp is a real blessing and that so many kids never get the opportunity to go. I hope, though, that the real message of camp, that God loves them and is always with them is the most important thing they take with them!


God bless you all!

A sad goodbye

Today, my very good friend and coworker, Mariko, said goodbye to Breakthrough. This wonderful friend of mine will be sorely missed. For the past four years, she has poured her heart and soul into our kids. And, it showed in their faces as she told them last week that she was leaving. Mariko is someone that has made an impact that will last a lifetime. Just ask Atiya. Today, when the kids were talking about the most "influential" person in their lives, she said "Mariko."

I know that Mariko is moving onto great things. Actually, she is going to grad school in Philly to continue her learning so someday, beyond working with kids, she can work with the parents and communities. Yet, I still mourn for the kids. I mourn because I know that positive role models are not the norm in their neighborhood. I also mourn because I know that next week I will be letting them know my bad news as well. Which means they aren't just losing one role model, but two. Two people that have poured their hearts into them. My heart aches just thinking about it.

Mariko is a great friend. She has taught me so much about ministry, about God, and about how to serve. I praise God for friends/co-workers like her.

Good bye Mariko!

Keep praying for me, these last few days have been very up and down. One last week of program and then camp.

God bless you all.

I was wanting to write a post about the 7 people whom were shot a block away from my house last night, but after reading Arloa's blog, I decided that it would be best coming from her. Please read her post:

http://arloasutter.blogspot.com/2009/07/living-in-war-zone.html


God bless you all.

Mixture of Feelings

This past week has been extremely hard for me and I can only imagine that the next few will be equally as hard. The reason it has been so hard is realizing that before I know it, it will be my last day. Before I know it, I will be moving away from the people I have spent the last two years pouring into, loving, and sharing my life with. I have had many fitful nights of sleep, weird, upsetting dreams, and just realizing the big impact Breakthrough and the people of Chicago have really made on my life.

Of course, I cannot wait to spend some quality time with my nieces. To actually be able to go see them whenever brings joy to my heart. I also can't wait to spend day in and out with Jeremy, learning more about him and our relationship. And of course, spending real time with my family is also very exciting.

Yet, as I sit here, planning for tomorrow's activities, I cannot wait to see my kids' smiling faces again. It literally breaks my heart to know that before long, I will not see them for a really extended period of time. I wonder, how will I tell them? I feel as though I am letting them down. I feel as though I am almost forsaking them. Is that weird? I know that it is time, I know that Chicago is not "home" for me, yet it is so difficult to think about leaving the children whom I have invested so much of my time in.

Just yesterday, we had our final softball game of the season (WE WON YAY) and as the game ended and we were packing up to leave, I looked into the eyes of one of my children and broke down. She was like why are you so upset? I just said its the end of the season, I just can't believe its already here. She was satisfied with that but I thought to myself, its more than just the end of the season for me.

Of course, change is always difficult. Leaving a place is always super hard and I know that God will lead me in a new direction and eventually I will find a new organization to pour my heart into. Yet, again, it is extremely difficult for me to think about that right now. I am trying so hard to stay "present" and really value every moment I have with the kids for I know before long it'll come to an end.

Please pray for me as this time is coming to an end. Please pray that I will spend the next 5 weeks truly enjoying my time with my kids and friends here. Please pray that this transition will go smoothly, God will give me complete peace about leaving, and that I will be able to find a job as soon as possible. With making as little as I have, my savings is practically drained so I'm not sure how long I can live without a job.

God is good. I know this. I know this as I say hi to my neighbors and we talk about the weather. I know this as I walk down the street and watch the kids playing in the fire hydrants. I know this as I splash in the water, laughing as the kids try to show me how they can "swim." I know this as I laugh and tease Kanika for being a granny. I know this as Andrea and I go to the beach on Sundays and get some real rest from a long week. I know this as I watch the determination on the faces of our girls as they get up to bat. I know this because every single day I wake up and realize that my life is NOT my own, that I have been crucified with Christ and I know longer live but He in me. I know this because He called me to a purpose greater than my own. I know this because I am fully aware that He is in complete control of my future and that wherever I go next, I will go with the desire to share His love and teach His word.

Sadness. Joy. Fear. Love. Excitement. Worried...A mixture of feelings as I go throughout my days.

Be present. This is all I desire the next few weeks. Please pray for me!

God bless you all.

Defeated...

So tonight I was feeling super defeated. My kids' softball team has lost the last two games by 1 run each. I have felt so defeated because I know that they have improved, yet they continue to lose practically every single game. I was super upset when two games ago, up by 5 in the last inning, they ended up getting beat. It was a moment where I felt totally helpless and just really sad for the girls as the game slipped away right in front of their eyes.

Tuesday night they worked hard, super hard to be honest and came away with a tie. Because there were no lights at the field we had to reschedule the final inning for tonight (Friday night). I seriously was super excited and thinking that we would definitely pull out the win. And yet, tonight, they scored one run and then we didn't score any. Game over. Lost by one again. So yeah, I was just feeling so disappointed and upset for the girls. I know that they work hard and have great attitudes (for the most part) and so I just don't understand how they keep getting beat in the end. I felt like a failure as a coach. Anyways, as I was talking to my roommate tonight, I was just telling her how sad and defeated I was feeling. How I was just hoping that tomorrow (our final game) we could finally pull out a victory. I told her how defeated I felt knowing that we had lost much more than we had won this season.

Crazy how God works though. A little while later that night, as I walked out of the room where my roommate was, I noticed that my blackberry was flashing. I had a new email....

The email was from Bob. Bob is the coach of the team we played tonight. I was suprised to see that he had emailed me, so I decided to read it right then and there. And what he wrote brought tears to my eyes, here's what the email said:


"Shasta and Andrea,

I appreciate that you had to wait as our team showed up late for the game, and you were magnanimous in giving us just the 1 out for the lack of players.

But what I really wanted to thank you for is the work you are doing with those young girls. They are by far the most polite team we have faced all season and my suspicion is that is because of their coaches.

My guess is you are disappointed in the outcome of the game and possibly the season, but you are clearly having a much bigger impact on these girls than just their hitting and fielding skills.

Thanks for the work that you do. Bob."

Wow. I seriously just teared up as I read these words of encouragement. Often, I forget that more important than wins and losses is the impact we are making on this team. Although, of course, I am super competititve and would love to see our girls be the best, more importantly is their character. More importantly is how they are learning to become young women of God and young women whom respect themselves and others.

I am forever grateful for Bob for this little reminder. And tomorrow, as our final game comes upon us, I am hopeful that maybe, just maybe our hard work and positive attitudes will pull off a win...but if not, I will be reminded that as long as the girls had fun, played their best, and treated each other, the coaches, their opponents, and the ump with respect...then that to me is so much more important than a win.

Much more....


Wow. What a great reminder and teachable moment.

God bless you all!

A Breakthrough Kid

Wanted to share a story about something one of our junior high girls said to my co-worker a few days ago. There have been a few teenage girls in our neighborhood who have recently gotten pregnant. Although this breaks our hearts every time, we realize that unfortunately, this "phenomena" is often more the norm than not.

Anyways, my co-worker and this 13 year old girl were having a conversation about something and it turned to having babies. The 13 year old girl made some off-hand comment about the girls in the neighborhood being pregnant and how she thought it was crazy and totally not a good idea. My co-worker told her yeah, you need to wait till you're at least 30, no teenage pregnancies for you. The girl looked at her, surprised and said...okay. You know I wouldn't do that, i'm a Breakthrough Kid.

Wow. Breakthrough is setting a standard of behavior. If you are a part of Breakthrough, you stay away from that mess. Praise God for places like Breakthrough. Praise God that Breakthrough is so much more than just an afterschool program. Praise God that He is using this place to CHANGE.

A Breakthrough Kid. I really like that. These "breakthrough kids" are the best in the world, no doubt about it. Praise God for them. Praise God that I have the opportunity everyday to teach them the "other way." The way that leads to Christ.

I'm a Breakthrough Kid. :) LOVE IT!

God bless you all!

Neighbors

I'm sitting here with a restless heart tonight. Not only restless, but pained as well. I would go into details, but lets just say there is a lot of fighting going on between some of our neighbors. People have gotten hurt, including a kid in our program. And my heart is broken. I am in prayer for my neighbors and I wonder, what else can we do? I pour my heart into these kids, I pray over them, I encourage, discipline and love them daily. Yet, when violence and fighting between families happen, it reminds me of how much more needs to be done.

I really have little to say beyond the fact that this is the lives my children live in every day. They deal with things that would break most people, yet God gives them the strength to get through it everyday. Its interesting to me when people tell me they are "proud of me" or whatever. Although I thank anyone who is "proud" of me at the same time, it breaks my heart to know that so many people in this world are oblivious to the pain that so many children live through everyday. So many people don't care, they are too worried about their own lives to realize that God has truly called us to serve the poor, love the poor and take care of the poor. See, I know that I was born into a loving family, privileged to live in a community that believed in me and had many opportunities that most do not get...all that for one reason, one reason at all...to give back what I have been given.

So as the fighting rages on, I grab one of our girls, pull her close and tell her how much she means to me and how much God loves her. I remind her that no matter what, she has got to walk away, for I truly believe that God has a bright future for her and her little brothers. I made her promise me she'd walk away...no matter what. And then I pray, for protection for her and her family, for my child with the stab wound, for the other family members who have been jumped and I pray that this problem will be resolved and that someday, they would recognize that God loves and cherishes them and that He desires a different life for all of them...a life full of hope and joy.

It makes me laugh when people ask me what I do. I wonder, how do I explain it? How can I explain something that no one who doesn't live here or work in this sort of job can understand? How can I say that sometimes I come home and feel so broken and in despair that I wonder how I can go to work the next day? How can I say that there are times when I see the real potential of a child and just want to grab a hold of it and bottle it, knowing that more likely than not, they aren't able to live up to that potential? How can I explain the joy I have when I see children actually be children, laughing and playing without having the weight of the world on their shoulders? And I don't, I just say something lame like I work in a non profit with urban youth. Thats a lot easier to say and it makes people a lot more comfortable.

So, I sit here. Praying. Believing that God is in control. And knowing that my work is never in void and that as long as I live, I will continue to pour my heart and life into these children, knowing that is exactly what God created me to do. Praise God!


God bless you all!

Preschool

For most of you who do not know, Breakthrough has a "beginner's program" for kids 3-5 yrs old. Our Beginner's coordinator, Lisa, does a wonderful job leading the program and students really enjoy it. This year is no exception. The class is doing a series called "student of the week" where each week, a child is picked to be the student of the week and they get their "biography" posted on a poster on the wall for everyone to see. My favorite part of it, though, is that their mom (0r dad) comes in at the end of the week to share with the students. They may read a book, tell a story, or just answer questions while they are there.

My heart was really warmed today as I saw the students gather around the mom of one of our students. This mom is very poor and young, most people just pass her by on the street. Yet, in that moment, as all the children looked up at her, she was in the spotlight. She smiled as she answered questions, and you could see the joy it brought her that these students really cared what she had to say. I truly believe she felt valued and loved in that moment.

See, this is way more than a preschool. Breakthrough is way more than just an afterschool program. This is an organization that seeks to EMPOWER individuals. That sees past the faults and problems and sees the humanity in each of us. This is a place where we desire to show love to the unlovable and grace to all who walk through our doors. And thats the kind of organization that I love and am proud to be a part of!

God bless you all!

Wayyy too long

Hello everyone! I know it's been forever since I've written, I think the longest i've went without writing on my blog.

The truth is, i've been way busy. I am now taking two grad school classes, working 40+ hours 6 days a week, and in my spare time praying/thinking about the future.

Anyways, I, from the prompting of my brother, have been listening and studying Chip Ingram's r12 Christian series. I would highly recommend any and everyone checking it out at : http://www.livingontheedge.org/r12/

Hope you enjoy it! Oh and also, if you get a chance, listen to my kids' dreams on Arloa's blog: http://arloasutter.blogspot.com/2009/03/big-dreams.html#links

Finally, I'm headed to Arkansas today! YAY!!!! Last month, I got to go home for a couple of days, here's a picture of Jeremy and I at the marina:

God bless you all!

The big game

Well, last week we played the number one team (orange) in the league. They beat us by 24 points. Tonight, the tournament started. We found out that we had to play the orange team again. The kids were beyond disappointed but I told them our game plan: to have fun. I told them to get out there, play hard and just have fun.

As the game got started, I realized quickly that are kids meant business. They were playin hard defense, goin for every loose ball, and just playin their hearts out. End of the first quarter, the circled around me and I said, look up at the scoreboard guys...4-4. I said, we can do this. I didn't believe it for a second but they sure did. I said, lets keep stickin our man, keep playin hard. At half time, the score was 6-6. It was CRAZY how well we were playin. I looked at my assistant coach and said, is this REALLY happening? The other team's coach didn't even know what hit 'em.

Second half got under way, end of the third quarter, 8-8. I know it wasn't a huge scorin game but they were just playin such good defense, that neither team could score. The last quarter, I pulled 'em around me, I told them lets go. This is it guys, we can win this, we can WIN this. This is our time...step it up. Orange started out with the ball, our bench and fans started cheering, DEFENSE, DEFENSE. That pumped 'em up. We scored. We were up for the first time ever. Ever. You should have seen them, they started jumping up and down....they were so pumped up. They scored, 10-10. Then they scored again a few minutes later, 12-10. Then we scored, 12-12. 8 seconds to go, tied up. They drove down, the ref calls a BOGUS call. He called a foul that I swear on my life that wasn't a foul. 5 seconds to go, the guy made 1 out of 2. 13-12. 5 seconds to go, I call a time out. Set up a play. Eric was to catch it at half court, take it in for the shot. He catches it, takes two dribbles, Devin was open, made the pass...Devin goes up, 3-2-1...and he misses it! We lose 13-12.

I tell you what, though. I've never been so proud of my kids. They played so hard, they deserve every second of that game. Oh how I wish they would have won, but I told 'em, they did more than I could have ever asked for. I wanted it so bad but they wanted it more. It was a crazy game but I seen so much improvement.

We play in the consolation game tomorrow. We lost to the team we play by 2 last time, so I'm hopin we pull it out tomorrow. Pray for us, I hope we end with a win.

Here is our team photo:

Front (R-L): Joshua, Jermaine, Jesse, Devin, Me. Back: Dave, Davevontay, Taquan, Eric, Cameron, and Mariah.

God bless you all!

Redecorating

So, Andrea and I decided that we would redecorate our kitchen. Now it isn't completely done, but here are some pictures of what we've done so far (by the way, we aren't pros lol).

So yeah, our colors are bright blue, lime green and red. We wanted to do something different. In other news, this week has been great. Our kids are taking the ISAT test this week (national standards test) and are pretty wore out when they actually get to BT. Pray for them as they have it all next week as well.

Here is a picture of a typical day this week:

LOL....God bless you all.

After 2 years...

Today was a big day for my basketball team. After two years, we finally won a game! We played hard, and came out 12-9 victors! Yes, 12-9. :)


Congrats to Taquan, Devin, Eric, Cameron, Jesse, Davevontay, Mariah, Joshua, and Germaine!



Devin- the playmaker

Eric-the big man/beast :)

Davevontay-the hustler

Germaine-the all-around guy

Joshua-the heart


I wish I had pics of Cameron (rebound king), Taquan (the super star), Jesse (the defender), and Mariah (our secret weapon), but I will take a team picture soon!

Oh yeah, and Jesse says we won because of our new lucky charm...the blue dolphin (why? i have no idea!):

God bless you all!

What I've learned since Moving to Chicago

So, since it has been almost 18 months since I moved to Chicago, I decided to write a post about what I've learned since moving to Chicago....It's a lot, so don't be surprised if this is part one of a mini-series :)

1. Snow is probably the worst thing on earth. I hate it.

2. Poverty is neither a black nor a white thing.

3. Saying hi to strangers is not weird, actually its expected!

4. 13 hours away from my family is too far!

5. God is PROVIDER

6. I've learned what direction east, north, west, and south really is! :) I can get around in a big city, now that is something I NEVER thought I'd be able to do!

7. Christ can be found in the angry, crying, fist-balled, snot-nosed child more readily at times than the angelic, smiling child

8. I can get by on very little income and think the greatest blessings are in the smallest acts of kindness

9. It is in the trials that I find myself closest to God

10. I know now that I want to settle down somewhere WARM!

11. Ministry is the hardest job in the world yet the most fulfilling

12. The true meaning of sabbath

13. Living in community is really hard

14. Racism is still very real today

15. I will never forgive myself for not being there when my dog died

16. My brother is still the coolest guy I know, even when he is a big dork!

17.You can learn so much from a child: innocence, joy, forgiveness...true examples of how we must enter the kingdom of Christ

18. Chips should be added as their own separate food group. Hot flammins should be the number one chip in America by now.

19. Coaching basketball is my favorite thing on earth to do.

20. I can get around without a car if needed! Public transportation is a GREAT thing

21. When you commit to full-time ministry, the Devil hates it and tries everything he can to destroy you and your passion.

22. Nieces really are one of the most wonderful gifts of all!

23. There are a few things that you must have to survive a chicago winter some of these include, a shovel, a pair of waterproof, warm boots, big fluffy warm gloves (none of those mittens u wear in Arkansas will do), and salt. Lots and lots of salt. :)

24. I am more addicted to coffee than I ever realized before!

25. I've learned how to stop a fight without getting hit myself...lol

26. Diversity is wonderful and should be celebrated at all costs

27. I am desperately in need of Christ's strength at all times, I am so weak without him!

28. Laughter is vital to a person's health! I need laughter!!!!

29. I know what it's like now to walk into a place and be the minority & how daunting it can be.

30. I will never regret coming here, living in this community, learning and growing with Christ, but I really doubt that Chicago is the place I will settle down in! Yet, I have learned that God will call us to where we are needed most, not where we necessarily dream to be. And, I hope I always put his will over mine, for where his will is, I want mine to be there too!


God bless you all!

Basketball-Playing and Coaching

Last night my team, the Big Ticket, played in their 5th game. We are 4-1 after last night. Every game we've won has been by a margin of at least 30 points. I told my friend, Robin, (who comes to my games to watch) last night that I think my blood runs orange. :) I just love playin and coachin and watchin basketball that much. I did, though, jam my finger last night so it's pretty swollen and blue this morning...lets hope it goes down before the next game!

In other news, my kids had their first basketball game last weekend. We lost by 2 points in OVERTIME! I didn't go (I was skiing with Josh) but man do I wish I could have seen it! We play this weekend and I'm hoping that we get our first victory. The team we play this weekend scored 22 of his team's 24 points last weekend in their game. Lets hope I can get my kids to play defense! I soooo hope we win!

In other news...it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. I hope that all of you do something wonderful for your significant others. I know it's just a silly hallmark created day, but I think the message behind it is pretty great-celebrate the one you love. Yes, of course, we should do it more often, but the least you can do is one day a year!

God bless you all!

Grad School and PRAYERS!

Yesterday was my first official day of grad school. I am in the MA in Human Services program at Liberty University. Although I am very nervous about returning to school, I am also very excited to learn more about the Human Services field, especially in exploring more about specific special populations like the poor and homeless.

I have to read A LOT and write A LOT of papers. So, yeah, I'm hoping I don't get too stressed out. I really believe this is where God wants me at this time in my life, so I am going to try to take it all in stride.

I do have a couple of prayer requests. Prayer request one is that I am able to still find time to relax and enjoy some downtime. Now that basketball has started and I've started grad school, I'll be a lot busier with a lot less time to find some "life-giving" activities. The very last thing I want is to be moody and irritable at work because I'm not balancing my time well.

Prayer request two is that the weather clears up soon. We have a TON of snow on the ground and are expecting more tonight and tomorrow. Also, the temperature is in the single digits with it feeling wayyyy below zero. Not only does that mean hazardous driving, but most importantly, there are a lot of people here in Chicago who have no homes or homes with little or no heat. Please pray that everyone will find a warm place to sleep and warm food in their bodies. Also pray that all of us at BT are safe was we drive kids home after program each night and as some of us travel to and from work everyday.

My last prayer request is about safety. Now as most of you may know, I live in what some people call the 'hood. Although there have been very few times when I've felt a little uneasy while walking around my neighborhood, I still am aware that bad things can and do happen around here. Don't get me wrong, I love where I live and my neighbors are wonderful, they always help my shovel my car out or say hi when I am walking to work. Also, I love it that I live where the kids I serve live. I say all that to say that there have been a few people I know from or related to BT who have been beat up or mugged these past few months. They all have been males and all have happened in the same area (which is an area we have all been warned to steer clear of). One has been mugged 3 times...he has become a target for a few guys and they continue to wait for him to steal from him. Please pray for these 3 men. They are all here because they love Jesus and want to serve this community. Please pray that God will give them strength and that they will not be discouraged, but they will know that the testing of their faith produces perseverance. Also pray for safety for all of us. I have learned that there is no safer place than in doing God's will, and I know that no matter what, God is always with me. Yet, I also know the power of prayer and hope that everyone who reads this blog will be on their knees praying everyday!

Anyways, life is great. I find that I love my children more and more every single day. They remind me all the time of just why I have chosen this as my profession. And although I hate this weather with a passion, I am grateful to be here in Chicago at just a time as this.

God bless you all!

BT Christmas 08

Another Christmas party already? I couldn't believe the time had come for another Christmas season. Although Christmas brings long hours, lots of planning, and not much sleep, it also brings out the best in most of our kids. This year was no exception!

For our party this year, we decided to do 4 stations. A food station (KFC..yuck), a craft station, the presents station (their favorite of course), and finally the Christmas store station. The Christmas store is a time when the students, using BT bucks, can buy presents for their family members. (We also have a Christmas store for the community, which is an amazing opportunity for people to get great brand new gifts for a 1/4 of the price they'd pay in the store!)

I was assigned to the 5-6th graders, of course, but I was excited about it cuz I'm growing closer to my 6th graders every day. The kids spent the whole afternoon with smiles plastered on their faces. From the food they thought was "fie" to buying Christmas presents for everyone from their mommas to their baby brothers, to opening up their presents and screaming with glee, I really think they had a great day! They even remembered to thank us as they were leaving.

Anyways, thought i'd share a few pictures with you from the events of the day...enjoy!

Oh, and I go home very soon! I can't wait to see all my family and friends!

God bless you all!

Philippians 3-Part 2

You know, there are somedays when I feel like just giving up. Somedays when I feel like i'm not making a difference, the kids aren't learning, they aren't growing, nothing. And sometimes I feel like these days are more normal than the days where I feel like i've seen such great improvement and am just encouraged by how well my kids are doing. Somedays, I come home and I am just completely and totally, ridiculously wore out. There are somedays when I just feel I can do nothing right and every kid hates me. Somedays where I just want to stop...stop caring, stop trying...just stop. Somedays....

Then, I think about a few days ago. There is a student that I have just completely poured myself out to. Whom I love dearly and whom I have done everything within my power to help her, to protect her, to teach her, to disciple her...everything I can to make sure that she grows into the amazing young lady that God has created her to be. And I truly love her with every ounce of my being. Well, one particular day, she just came in and said some stuff to me that broke my heart. Just completely tore my insides out. And everything in me just wanted to scream and cry out: "why? what have I done to you? can't you see how much I've done for you? how i've poured out everything I have for you? how much I love you? i don't deserve this!" Yet, I calmly walked away, and she was oblivious to the hurt and pain I felt from words that stung so deeply inside me.

As I was running errands after work that night...I decided to vent my anger to God...in tears I asked God, "why did she say those things? Why is it that I can pour so much into these children and they just don't seem to respond at all? God I don't understand!" And in that moment...a scripture came into my head...Philippians chapter 3 verse 10: "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings..." This same scripture that I had been struggling with all week. And in that moment of total dispair, God spoke to me and said, "I know exactly how you feel." And I realized that this feeling, this feeling of loving someone so much and completely pouring yourself out to them, only to have it thrown back in your face time and time again is how God feels every single day with his children...only about 10 million times worse. And I realized that so often I do the exact same thing to Him...yet He never stops loving me, never gives up on me, and I began to rejoice in that beautiful and miraculous fact.

And, I rejoiced in the fact that in that moment, I was sharing in his sufferings. I was feeling the pain that comes with seeking to love even when it hurts. The pain that comes with giving everything I can give through Christ, only to have it rejected competely. And yet, I(because of Christ in me) press on. Because I want to know Christ...not just through the happy times...but in the pain...in the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings. "But whatever was to my profit, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things."

And so tomorrow, as the kids walk through those doors at the Joshua Center, I will greet each kid with a smile and a hug...and I will be reminded on a daily basis that I am doing this all for Jesus Christ, that I may find him in the smallest of things, whether it be through helping a child do their homework, laughing at them as they attempt their ridiculous jokes or even discipling them for their outright disrespect. And I will be reminded in those moments of pain of the pain I have so often caused Jesus myself, and the forgiveness, grace, mercy and love he shows to me even in my darkest moments.

God, may you teach me through these young children. And, everytime I think about giving up...everytime when I feel like nothing I do matters, may I be reminded that you are my strength and it is you and only you whom I am serving and glorifying through my words and actions. May you shine through me when those moments come crashing in, that these children will know you as the forgiving and loving God that you are.

God bless you all!