So I'm actually typing this as I'm riding in the car headed to Arkansas. I know, the beauty of technology! Or maybe the sadness of it all...being so connected to the world at all times!

Sitting here or as I like to say it, setting here...driving back to the place I grew up, its just all very surreal. Almost like it shouldn't be happening. Of course I shed some tears today, especially when I saw tears falling from my kids eyes but also saying goodbye to my good friend and coworker Robin.

The drive is always the worst. You begin to think of all the shoulda coulda wouldas and it just depresses you more. I wonder if I could have done things differently, I mean I know the impact I've had has been huge, I know that I am leaving a good "wake" and not a bad one but yet I still can't help but sit and wonder if I could have done more. Have I lived these last two years to the fullest? I hope so. I would like to believe so.

I know I'm leaving changed and I hope that in some ways, the kids have changed as well. I hope that I have done what God has called me to do these last two years.

I know that these next few days will be very hard for me...trying to find my way again, figuring out how to navigate the job search process and living in a place that will probably seem a little foreign to me at first.

I hope that it doesn't hit me all at once...I hope I can ease into it. I am nervous and worried and scared. Yet as I was talking to a friend of mine, she reminded me ever so gently that God is in control and to haved Faith that he will provide and be with me in this transition.

I am so thankful for these amazing women who are blessing me with an almost free ride to Arkansas. The laughter and good times we are already having could beat a u haul any day!

So as I am headed home, I am fully aware of my sadness but also the love I have felt these last few days. Surround me with love Jesus, it is exactly what I need!

My last night

Tonight is my very last night in Chicago. This week has been super crazy, trying to hang out with as many people as I can as well as start classes, pack, and finish up work. Like I said...CRAZY!

Last night I went to dinner with one of my favorite high schoolers. It was super cute cuz she was like, lets go to dinner, my treat! How can I say no to free food? lol I can't wait to see her in five, 10 years, I know God is going to do some great things in her life!

I went downtown today with my very good friend, Maria and had coffee at Intelligentsia. Such good coffee! Man, am I going to miss all the coffeeshops around here! I also sold my car today and even got to see a lot of my kids at the center and then of course, a couple had to come over and hang out at the house. :)

Anyways, what better way to spend the evening then take four of my favorite kids out to dinner? :) Yes, thats right I spent my last night hanging with the kids. Ha. Anyways, we all loaded up in the car and went to TGIFridays. The kids absolutely loved it. They are so great. One of them, definitely one of my top 3 or 4 favorite kids in this world said as the other girls told her to quiet down (she is super loud all the time!), she laughed and said, "i'm just happy...i'm out with Shasta!" That moment...right there. It just melted my heart. Tonight I am reminded that all I want to do in my life is exactly what I was doing right then. Building relationships. These kids, not just those four but all of them...they are the most amazing kids I've ever met.

The food was great, a couple of the girls were contemplating unbuttoning their pants they were so full lol. I advised them not to! Ha! But yeah, it was so wonderful just to spend one last night sharing my life with them.

Anyways, this week has been very hard. I wish I could describe how hard it is to know how sad some of the kids are that I am leaving. I can see it in their faces, hear it in the voices, and feel it by the way they act. Youth ministry is the most rewarding thing in the world but it is also the hardest thing in the world as well. There have been many times I have just wanted to scream from frustration (and sometimes I did!) but all the wonderful, life giving times I have had with them overshadow any frustration. I am so grateful and thankful that two years ago God opened the doors for me to come up here. I do not know where I would be today if not. I just know that God and Breakthrough has changed me so much through this experience.

Chicago will always be in my heart. These kids, my coworkers and friends...they will always be in my heart. As I move forward, I can promise you there will be many tears, I'm sure I will be a little depressed at first, but I will also treasure the moments and times I've had and move on, knowing that God is NOT done with me yet!

Chicago, Breakthrough, everyone I've come into contact with these past two years...I love you and will never forget you.

God bless you all!

I feel as though life is moving at this really fast pace and I can't really keep up. People keep asking me, what are you going to do when you move? Where will you live? Job? ect ect. All valid questions, yet all questions I really have no answer to. I know that in just five short days, I will be moving. I know that there is a sadness around me that I can't completely put my finger on and I know that my heart will ache for the kids and people here that have become like second family to me. I have started to pack although I have less than what the normal person has. I guess that comes from being a serial mover. I feel like I'm always moving. I just want to settle. One of the biggest desires in my life is to find a place that is permanent. I'm sick of all this moving around.

Denver was great. I barely thought about the future, mainly just relaxed and ate lots and lots of food. :) Yet, I came back to an empty desk and questions that I have no answers for. Am I ready to leave? I am in a way because I am sick of being in this transitional space. I also long to wrap my arms around my two beautiful nieces and knock my twin bro in the head a couple times. But, I am not ready to leave my kids here. Not ready to say goodbye knowing that they do not understand any of this; knowing that the relationships I've built with them were all too short.

So I sit in the dark, wondering why I feel so...uneasy. So...confused and restless. I know that God has called me back to Arkansas for a reason. I know this. I know that I am so excited to be close to my family and Jeremy. Yet, there is so much unknowns.

And I will wait. I will try and make it through these next 4 days. Making the most of every opportunity, yet pulling away so that the tears don't fall as readily as I know my heart wants them to. Tommorrow night I have a small going away party so I can say goodbye to the children who have stolen my heart. Oh how I pray that it isn't a big emotional rollercoaster but instead it will be a moment of closure.

I hold onto to the fact that God calls me to a bigger purpose. That instead of sacrifces and "works" he calls me to "Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly." I hold onto the fact that He is at work in my life and He will open doors and lead me to another, wonderful place.

God. You are my rock and my only sanity during this time. May I lean on you when I feel so helpless.


God bless you all.

Happy Father's Day!

The older I get, the more I realize the importance of fathers in children's (and adults!) lives. I live in a neighborhood where most kids may know who their dad is but they really don't know them. Many of their fathers have struggled with not knowing their own fathers and in turn do not know how to be fathers so they become the same absent fathers that their own fathers were. I have seen children whom are growing into young men in desperate need of strong, Godly dads. I have seen young ladies who are growing up in desperate need of dads who will tell them their value does not come from how they look or act but from the inside. I truly believe that my neighborhood and most poor or desolate neighborhoods would be completely changed if only their families were restored and fathers would take responsibility and become the dads that God created them to be.

I say all that to say that I have become fully aware of how amazing my father is and how blessed I am to have someone like him in my life. See I know my dad loves me. He loves me not just because he says it, but his actions have always shown it as well. He loves me because he has always provided for me. He is the hardest working man I have ever met. And, because of that hard-work ethic, I in turn have learned that I must be a hard-worker. He loves me because he always spent time with me. Even now, every time I come home, he wants to spend time with me. I cannot tell you what it means to me to know that he wants to go hiking or floating. I know often I am super busy and I don't get to do all the things that he wants to do, but I do hope he knows that it means everything to me to know that he wants to do something in the first place. He love me because he disciplined me. Yes, I know crazy huh? Instead of sleeping in late, he wanted us to get up and pick up chickens. I am the person I am today because he and my mom took the time to discipline me. He loves me because he taught me about Jesus. We were Sunday morning, night and Wednesday night church goers when I was younger. But that wasn't all. He showed us who God was by his actions, by loving, caring, guiding, and teaching us.

I have always been kind of a daddy's girl. I think of my dad as my hero. For no matter what happens, I know that he will ALWAYS have my back. I know that no matter what I do, he'll always love me. He is the best man I know. I pray that someday I marry a man like him. A man that loves God, his wife, and his children more than anything else and puts them above his job or hobbies or anything else. My daddy is the best!

My prayer is that more children in this world will be able to experience the love of their earthly fathers. For those in my neighborhood who aren't able to experience that love, I pray daily that they would be able to realize and accept the love of our heavenly Father. Often kids think of "father" in a negative connotation, but I hope that they understand that there is a father that will NEVER forsake them and will love them unconditionally. Psalm 68:5 says, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." Although not everyone is blessed to have such an amazing earthly dad as I have, they are blessed because each and everyone one of us have a Heavenly dad, and that dad is God and He desires a relationship and a fellowship with each of us! Praise you God!

And Dad, I love you! Thanks for everything you do for me! You are definitely the BEST!

God bless you all!

Neighbors

I'm sitting here with a restless heart tonight. Not only restless, but pained as well. I would go into details, but lets just say there is a lot of fighting going on between some of our neighbors. People have gotten hurt, including a kid in our program. And my heart is broken. I am in prayer for my neighbors and I wonder, what else can we do? I pour my heart into these kids, I pray over them, I encourage, discipline and love them daily. Yet, when violence and fighting between families happen, it reminds me of how much more needs to be done.

I really have little to say beyond the fact that this is the lives my children live in every day. They deal with things that would break most people, yet God gives them the strength to get through it everyday. Its interesting to me when people tell me they are "proud of me" or whatever. Although I thank anyone who is "proud" of me at the same time, it breaks my heart to know that so many people in this world are oblivious to the pain that so many children live through everyday. So many people don't care, they are too worried about their own lives to realize that God has truly called us to serve the poor, love the poor and take care of the poor. See, I know that I was born into a loving family, privileged to live in a community that believed in me and had many opportunities that most do not get...all that for one reason, one reason at all...to give back what I have been given.

So as the fighting rages on, I grab one of our girls, pull her close and tell her how much she means to me and how much God loves her. I remind her that no matter what, she has got to walk away, for I truly believe that God has a bright future for her and her little brothers. I made her promise me she'd walk away...no matter what. And then I pray, for protection for her and her family, for my child with the stab wound, for the other family members who have been jumped and I pray that this problem will be resolved and that someday, they would recognize that God loves and cherishes them and that He desires a different life for all of them...a life full of hope and joy.

It makes me laugh when people ask me what I do. I wonder, how do I explain it? How can I explain something that no one who doesn't live here or work in this sort of job can understand? How can I say that sometimes I come home and feel so broken and in despair that I wonder how I can go to work the next day? How can I say that there are times when I see the real potential of a child and just want to grab a hold of it and bottle it, knowing that more likely than not, they aren't able to live up to that potential? How can I explain the joy I have when I see children actually be children, laughing and playing without having the weight of the world on their shoulders? And I don't, I just say something lame like I work in a non profit with urban youth. Thats a lot easier to say and it makes people a lot more comfortable.

So, I sit here. Praying. Believing that God is in control. And knowing that my work is never in void and that as long as I live, I will continue to pour my heart and life into these children, knowing that is exactly what God created me to do. Praise God!


God bless you all!

Creation and Grace

We get so preoccupied with ourselves, the words we speak, the plans and projects we conceive, that we become immune to the glory of creation. We barely notice the cloud passing over the moon or the dewdrops clinging to the rose petals. The ice on the pond comes and goes. The wild blackberries ripen and wither. The blackbird nests outside our window, but we don't see her. We avoid the cold and the heat. We refrigerate ourselves in the summer and entomb ourselves in plastic in winter. We rake up ever leaf as fast as it falls.

OUR WORLD IS SATURATED WITH GRACE, and the lurky presence of God is revealed not only in spirit but in matter-in a deer leaping across a meadow, in the flight of an eagle, in fire and water, in a rainbow after a summer storm, in a gentle doe streaking through a forest, in Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, in a child licking a chocolate ice cream cone, in a woman with windblown hair. God intended for us to discover His loving presence in the world around us.

For the eyes of faith, every created thing manifests the grace and providence of Abba.
(Written in "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning)


How often do we just stop and look around us at the amazement and beauty of creation?

"So mighty is his power, so great is his strength that no one fails to answer" (Isaiah 40:26).

The older I get, the more amazed I am at how fast time seems to fly by. Yet, there are nights when I go to bed realizing that I never stopped once, all day. I never really took in all the beauty around me. I never grasped God's grace and love that were all around me that day.

So, I pray this prayer...and I not only pray it for myself, but I pray it for all of you:

"Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of your universe. Delight me to see how your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not his, to the father through the features of men's faces. Each day enrapture me with your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all." (Rabbi Joshua Abraham Heschel)

God bless you all!

God's Love for us!

For one of my classes, we had to buy/check out a couple of books for "references" for our research paper. I decided to buy cuz I love to read and so I figured, why not? I like to have as many books as I can. My dream is to someday have a "library" in my house! (wait a tangent...back to the reason for writing this) So, I bought the book "3:16, the Numbers of Hope" by Max Lucado. Little did I know it was a book "for teens." Actually, though, I figured, good deal, I can give it to one of my high school students after I write my research paper. Although it's for teens, I decided to read it anyways, just to make sure it was a book they would even want to read. And, man...it is a great book!

So, the book breaks down each part of John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." What a great verse, I mean, can you think of any other verse that people, young and old, christian or non-christian, who can say a verse from memorization better than this one? It was the first verse I ever memorized and I know that a lot of the kids I work with whom don't even really go to church can recite this verse.

Lucado is a great writer, in my opinion. I have read some of his other books and I usually enjoy them. As I am reading this book, there has been one chapter that really stuck out to me, even brought me to tears as I was reading it. Its always wonderful to be reminded of just how much God loves us, and Lucado does a great job of putting into words this great love.

This love...this love that isn't earned but instead given freely, with no strings attached. Lucado says, "Your goodness can't win God's love. Nor can your badness lose it." Deuteronomy 7:7-8 (MSG) says "God wasn't attracted to you and didn't choose you because you were big and important-the fact is, there was almost nothing to you. He did it out of sheer love, keeping the promise he made to your ancestors." WOW! Now that is powerful! How often do we love someone, only because they treat us well or are "lovable"? Yet, God loves us even though we are pretty much unloveable. I know that I mess up all the time, more than I care to admit, yet He still loves me. Lucado says, "God will not let you go. He has handcuffed himself to you. And he owns the only key. You need not win his love. You already have it. And since you can't win it, you can't lose it either."

God's love for us is amazing. Beyond anything we can even understand. I do such injustice when I do not tell my children this daily. I do such injustice by not living in the freedom and fullness of His love.

I will leave you with this final thought...Ephesians 3:18-19 (MSG): "Take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God." Others undervalue you. God claims you. Let the ultimate voice of the universe say, "You're still a part of my plan." Your life has meaning! No matter how simple it seems, God put you on this earth for a reason! And no matter what, He doesn't give up on you. He's holding on to you, and His love is the best!

His love gives us hope...REACH OUT AND EXPERIENCE IT!

God bless you all!

Martin Luther King Jr

Today I celebrated MLK day by volunteering at a aids/hiv recovery home. It was amazing to hear the residents talk about their story and life. One of the people who work at the home asked us a question...what does celebrating MLK mean to you?

What did MLK's life mean to me...a white woman from the south? Wow. Martin Luther King Jr's was a pioneer in the civil rights movement. Yet, his life, his ideas, weren't just for blacks. They were for everyone of us. His life taught me many things. He taught me that if you truly believe in something, you'll do anything, even to the point of giving your life to the cause. He taught me there is something in nonviolence. So many people experience violence, hatred, and shame because they are "different" than others. Yet, he talked about equality and love. MLK taught me that racial reconciliation is something that everyone, especially believers, should strive for everyday. He taught me the importance of believing in something, of having a dream, and standing up for what you believe in.

Martin Luther King Jr should be celebrated. Yet, we shouldn't ever forget that although we've come a long way, we should continue on this journey and not forget his dream...

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.
This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.
This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."
And if America is to be a great nation this must become true."

I pray that all of us move towards seeking to understand those that are different than us. I pray that we all find something we can believe in and stand up for it no matter the opposition. Most imporantly, though, I pray that we strive to love, for love is the thing that binds us all together. It is the greatest commandment, and without love we are nothing.

God bless you all!

Colossians 3

I was reading Colossians 3 today, the message version, and man did it make me take a hard look at my attitude. This passage is a great passage for any Christian-whether you've been one most of your life, or you just gave your heart to Him. Please, read. No, don't just read, but really read and try to understand what the passage is saying. It'll change your life!

"So if you're serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it! Pursue the things over which Christ presides: Don't shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ-that's where the action is. See things from his perspective.

Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life-even though invisible to spectators-is with Christ in God. He is your life. When Christ (your real life, remember) shows up again on this earth, you'll show up too-the real you, the glorious you. Meanwhile, be content with obscurity, like Christ.

And that means killing off everything connected with that way of death: sexual promiscuity, impurity, lust, doing whatever you feel like whenever you feel like it, and grabbing whatever attracts your fancy. That's a life shaped by things and feelings instead of by God. It's because of this kind of thing that God is about to explode in anger. It wasn't long ago that you were doing all that stuff and not knowing any better. But you know better now, so make sure it's all gone for good: bad temper, irritability, meanness, profanity, dirty talk.

Don't lie to one another. You're done with that old life. It's like a filthy set of ill-fitting clothes you've stripped off and put in the fire. Now you're dressed in a new wardrobe. Every item of your new way of life is custom-made by the Creator, with his label on it. All the old fashions are now obsolete. Words like Jewish and non-Jewish, religious and irreligious, insider and outsider, uncivilized and uncouth, slave and free, mean nothing. From now on everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ.

So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all purpose garment. Never be without it.

Let the peace of Christ keep you in tune with each other, in step with each other. None of this going off and doing your own thing. And cultivate thankfulness. Let the Word of Christ-the Message-have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. Instruct and direct one another using good common sense. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives-words, actions, whatever-be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way." Colossians 3:1-17 (emphasis mine)

Real talk.

My favorite part of these verses is the sentence, and "regardless of what else you put on, wear love." Live a life of love, no matter what...thats the true meaning of Christ. Love.

God bless you all.

Legacy

Last night I went to the funeral of the father of one of my 14 year old girls at our program. Her dad had been fighting brain cancer for awhile so his passing away was a little bit expected. Although it was expected, this didn't make things any easier. My heart broke as I saw her mother break down a number of times and as I saw the young lady try to seem strong but you could tell it was tearing her up inside. She is very dear to me, we've been through a lot over the past year, and well, although I had never met her dad, I still cried as I seen the pain in her face and the sadness all around her.

It's funny how you start to think hard about things at the most random times. Like last night. As I sat there and listened to countless people talk about this man...it amazed me at the legacy he was leaving. They talked about how good a father and husband he was. About the godly man he had become and how when he was dying, he did not want anyone feeling sorry for him. And I found myself wishing that I had known him, I found myself questioning why when alot of my kids don't have "present" fathers or even fathers at all, how he could be taken away when he was such a good father to this young lady. I know God is just and he is merciful so it just makes me wonder, why things happen the way they do. I guess thats where faith and trust comes in. Trusting that God knows much better than me and having the faith to believe that all will work for his good. But it doesn't mean I don't hate it for her and hate death and sin. Cuz I sure do.

Anyways, back to my lesson I learned. I was thinking a lot about legacy. How these people talked about this man and how 3 things stuck out to me...he was a good father, a good husband, and a godly man. His wife, his daughters, his son, and his friends, this is what they will remember about him. And it made me think...what will my legacy be? Now, I don't think (or hope not) that I'll be dying anytime soon, but it does raise the question, if I were to die or when I die, how will people remember me? Will they remember me as a Godly person? A woman who lived for the Lord and not for the world? What will my legacy be?

Isn't this an interesting question? You look at your life, how you treat your friends, your parents, your co-workers, ect, and you think how am I treating them? How is my life being an impact on their lives? Isn't that what God calls us to do? Impact others for the glory of his kingdom?

I always ask the kids, how are you influencing others? Are you being a leader or a follower? Are you being a positive or negative influence? I ask them that but I never ask myself that? Am I influencing people in a positive or negative way? Not just my kids, but my co-workers...my friends...my family.

Anyways, just something to think about. I would love it if you could pray for this young lady and her family as she is going through a rough time. But yeah...what is your legacy? If you were to die right now (not trying to be morbid or anything) what would people remember about you? How would they describe you? Think about it...

God bless you all!!!

Action

I sometimes forget that no action is action. I feel as though God calls us to be people of action...my favorite verse says this very simple thing: "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue, but with ACTION and in truth."

What does it mean to love with action? To love in truth? (Comment this and tell me what you think it means)

Lately I've had to deal with the cold hard fact that you can make a completely right decision and someone is still going to be upset about it. Now, don't get me wrong, I've dealt with that one many many times in my life, but these last few days...these decisions (right as they may be) will effect people's lives, forever. Its hard because the consequences you may be able to see but the other person or persons' can't.

Which leads back to the question of action. Jesus, before he was taken up in the sky made the comment to his disciples: 'you shall do even greater things than these.' (these meaning miracles and the like)

I sit here and I wonder, how could Jesus say I shall do even greater things than miracles? I look at my beautiful, talented, and creative children. I look at some of their lives that are increasingly getting worse and I wonder...how do I take action? Act justly, Love mercy, and Walk humbly. How do I act justly? How do I love mercy? How do I walk humbly when I see this child changing because of the enviornment around her?

Action. Taking action. Loving with action and truth. Can I just sit here? How am I, a 24 year old girl, supposed to take action in this big great city and world?

I am just one....yet I am one.

I call on my Jesus for action. I call on him and admit that I am weak, I am small and I know nothing. But in that nothingness comes something that Jesus is waiting for...submission.

I submit to the God of the universe. To the creator of the world and to the abba of all of us. I submit and I ask that he would move me to action, that he would guard me with a plan, and that his strength would be my strength and his will be my will. I submit to acting justly, to loving mercy, and to walking humbly...regardless of how this person or that person may react. I ask that God would teach me how to love with ACTIONS and in TRUTH.


ACT justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly.



God bless you all and may God move all of us to act on the behalf of those who can't.

Future Plans

These past few weeks, I have been debating whether or not I should and could stay at Breakthrough for the upcoming year. My contract doesn't actually end until September but AmeriCorps needed to know by last week (which I extended another week to decide) whether I would do another year or not. As I prayed about it, I was conflicted mainly because I miss my family and yet at the same time, I knew that God was asking me to stay here. There were a host of reasons why I should and shouldn't stay but when it came down to it, I really felt like God was not through with me here. I'm not sure if he is not through using me here or through changing me here. Lol Seriously, I've grown and learned so much in this year that I can't imagine how much more God is going to teach me!

So, with all that said, a mix of happiness and sadness has overtaken me. Yes, I'm extremely happy because I get to spend another year serving my wonderful kids. I truly feel like you can't build lasting relationships in such a short period as a year. These kids have so many people in and out of their lives that I just don't want to be one of them. I'm also happy because I enjoy Chicago. Living in a big city gives me many opprotunities to see things I've never seen before as well as begin to understand many different cultures and lifestyles. It's great. The sadness part of me is the simple fact that I miss my family. I don't really care about the money because well, I'm not in this for the money. I'm definitely not living my life to make money...so that ended up being not a factor once I realized I would still be able to pay my bills. The factor that makes me sad is I think about my beautiful nieces. Kyleigh is 2 and Emma is 3 months old. They are both the most wonderful nieces anyone could ask for. And, it breaks my heart to know that I can't go pick up Kyleigh and take her to the park or just hold Emma for hours and watch her smile. It makes me sad to know my mom and dad had to celebrate mothers and fathers day without me. It makes me sad to know that my bro and bethany bought their first house and i couldn't be there to see it...and it makes me sad to know that the only way i can talk to my best friend in this world, my sister, is through the phone. i can go on and on, about how much i miss my mamaw, my aunts and uncles, my nuckleheaded cousin nicole or my other wonderful cousins...but i won't because i'm starting to get a little teary eyed. so, yeah, this decision that i made...it was definitely a difficult one. in the end, though, i realized that serving god is most important to me. and so i'll stay here. happily but with a twinge of saddness.

i'm excited about this summer. i'm relieved that i know where i'll be for at least another year. it's great to be able to look at my kids and truthfully tell them i'm not going anywhere, at least for awhile.

i love you all. i'm thankful for God's providence in my life. I'm thankful for family that i love so much that i truly miss them! i'm thankful that i also love my job, though, and that god has given me such a passion for working and pouring into the lives of these children.

if you have any questions...comments...about my decision, feel free to email me (sbcole04@gmail.com) or leave a comment on this silly thing.

God bless you all!

Where there is darkness....light

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

when there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand,

to be loved as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying [to ourselves] that we are born to eternal.

-St. Franicis of Assisi

5 People...

Moving to Chicago has definitely changed me alot. I am not the same person I was when I left home some 8 or so months ago. It has been a year of change, a year of growth, a year of learning, a year of pain, and a year of joy. And throughout the year, there have been plenty of people in my life who have been there through the ups and downs...been there to listen, to lend a shoulder to cry on, to make me laugh, and to put me back in my place. Yet, I am so horrible at telling people how much they mean to me. I don't know why but it's very hard for me to just be like, listen...I love you and i'm thankful that you are here for me day in and day out. So, I wanted to write about five people whom have really...just really been impactful on me since I moved to Chicago.

1. Laura C: Laura and I met in California back in September, little did we know that it was a God-thing. We have been friends ever since and I am so thankful for her. Without her, I fear Chicago would still be a scary and foreign place to me, but instead…it is a city I love and enjoy exploring as often as possible. Also, I’m thankful because I rarely have people to ask questions of me and my growth…and she does. For as iron sharpens iron, so one (wo)man sharpens another. I am also thankful for her because she has to listen to my millions of questions, thoughts, laments, and angry tears as I wrestle with my daily walk. I always enjoy our Wednesday outings, we never seem to run out of conversation and laughs (and weird accents hahaha)…and I am really glad that she is my friend.

2. My sister. Leanne is one of the strongest women I know. And she is an amazing mother and older sister that I look up to enormously. She will always be my best friend and ever since I moved to Chicago, I have realized how much she means to me and how much I miss her. Leanne teaches me so much about life and she keeps me in line (all too often). Sometimes I wish I was more like her because she embodies everything I’m not. Yet, I know that God made us different so we would get along so well. Most of all, I’m thankful for her support…for she has been behind me in everything…and makes me feel like she really is proud of me, and not just because I’m her sister.

3. Darmesha Washington. I know it may be weird putting a 14 year old girl on here but this girl…she keeps me laughing. And, she has this uncanny ability to make me smile, no matter how bad or tiring my day has been. And laughter, I believe is one reason I keep my sanity here. I am thankful for her because even at her young age, she shows me what Jesus really meant when he said to love each other. For she truly exhibits Christ love in her actions and words and I am very thankful that I have the privilege of knowing her.

4. My grandmother. My mamaw is my rock. I definitely know I don’t tell her as often as I should, but I admire her so much. I think the most important thing about my relationship with her is my respect for her. Honestly, I don’t really hold many people in high respect, yet my Mamaw…I do. She is such a strong, wise, and hard working woman. Mamaw teaches me so much more than I think I could learn from anyone else on this earth. She puts things in a new perspective and every time I get off the phone with her, I feel like I’ve learned something new or she has forced me to think outside of what I had before thought. I am pretty sure I have the best grandmother in the world. And, I love her so much more than she will ever even know, probably because like I said before, I’m the worst at sharing my feelings!

5. Finally, my good friend Katrina. This girl, I have seen her grow so much over the past year. I have known her for three years...met her when she was still a teenager and I was in college. She is now a sophomore in college and thriving as a godly woman. As you get older, its interesting how you begin to lose contact with a lot of your high school and college friends. And since moving to Chicago, I really don't talk to a lot of friends from my past. There are only a handful that have stayed in contact, yet Katrina...no matter what, still manages to make time for me. I am so thankful for her support and guidance. She may be younger than me, but she is so full of youth ministry wisdom it astounds me. And, she has taught me the difference between joy and happiness...which has really changed my attitude about a lot of things. She is a great friend and I'm proud to call her my sister in Christ.

God bless you all...thanks to everyone (family and friends) for your continual prayer, support, and love for me!

Violence

Something that is very disturbing to me is the growing number of CPS students killed this school year. It breaks my heart to see kids killing kids. I was telling my mom a few days ago that I truly believe there is NEVER a reason for violence. Never! If we try to stop violence with more violence, how will it ever end? Jesus clearly said, Love your enemies, return good for evil. He never said, it's ok only if they hit you first...or it's okay for war if you are protecting your people.

We are taught so often that redeptive violence is okay (look at the war!)...that there is a logic to it...yet, what exactly is this logic? In a book i'm reading, the author says, "the Jesus way shows us that we need not battle violence with power and force, but with humility and revolutionary subordination. Violence eventually kills itself. Sometimes all the peacemakers need to do is battle violence with revolutionary patience and steadfast hope, for the universe bends toward justice and the entire Christian story demonstrates the triumph of love."

The older I get and the more I see the tragedies around me, the more I am convinced that there is NEVER a reason for violence...do you agree or disagree?

Here are the names of the CPS students killed this 07-08 school year...may God be with their families and may we continue to pray that God will bring those who harmed them to justice:

Jerel Smith, 17, Frederick Douglass Academy High School-
Shot and killed on Sep. 9, 2007

Dalvin Miller, 14, Sexton School-
Shot and killed on Sep. 14, 2007 while with friends on the 6200 block of South Langley Avenue

Israel Mendoza, 13, Ames Middle School
Shot and killed on Sep. 10, 2007 after being abducted from his home.

Cordero Washington, 18, Banner South Alternative High School-
Shot and killed on Oct. 6, 2007

Arthur Jones, 10, Holmes Elementary School-
Shot and killed on Oct. 17, 2007 in the middle of gang crossfire

Samuel Benavente, 14, Eberhart Elementary School-
Shot and killed on Oct. 21, 2007 after trying to help a friend whose bike was stolen.

Joseph Perez, 17, Steinmetz Academic Centre-
Shot and killed on Nov. 2, 2007 later found in an alley on the Northwest side

Miguel Gomez, 16, School of Social Justice-
Shot and killed on Nov. 8, 2007 by a suspected gang member

Leonardo Otero, 15, Kelvyn Park High School-
Shot and killed on Jan. 7, 2008 in a drive-by shooting

Roky Uriostegui, 16, Kelly High School-
Shot three times and killed January 16, 2008 by suspected gang members

Karlton Wells, 16, Nancy Jefferson High School-
Shot and killed Feb. 20, 2008 in a fight over a cell phone

Rogelio Calderone, 17, Lozano Youth Connect Charter-
Shot and killed Feb. 29, 2008 after confronting a group of gang members

Jose Garcia, 18, York Alternative High School-
Shot and killed March 1, 2008 while sitting in a parked car

Kadeidrah Marsh, 15, AAST – Orr Campus High School-
Shot and killed March 2, 2008 after a dispute involving another girl

Paris Bassett, 16, School of Leadership South Shore-
Shot and killed March 2, 2008; found on a South Side sidewalk

Ruben Ivy, 18, Crane Technical Preparatory Common School-
Shot and killed March 7, 2008 by a suspected gang member

Channon Taylor, 18, Community Christian Academy-
Shot and killed March 8, 2008 while sitting in the back seat of a car

Marcellus Daniel, 15, Bronzeville Military Academy-
Body found in a garbage can on 3/14/2008, the victim of a gunshot wound to the head

Salvador Contreras, 18, Gage Park High School-
Shot and killed March 16, 2008 in a possible gang-related shooting

Miguel Pedro,15, Alfred Nobel Elementary-
Shot and killed March 28, 2008

Chavez Clarke, 18, Hyde Park Career Academy-
Shot and killed March 29, 2008 after leaving his Saturday class at Simeon Career Academy

Shannon Brown, 17, Fenger High School-
Died from a gunshot wound to the stomach early Tuesday April 1, 2008

Brashai Griffin, 15, Bloom Trail High School
Found strangled to death in a creek near her Sauk Village home

Albert Vaughn, 18, Juilian High School
Beaten to death by a baseball bat, Saturday April 5, 2008


God bless you all...

God's Blessed

Well, this past month has been a very rough month for me. This past week, I got the flu. And, it's still lingering with me. Right now, my throat is about twice the size it should be because of swollen glands...not fun, not fun at all. But, despite everything, I still keep pluggin along...barely, but i'm hanging on.

Work. Thats pretty much all I do. And, I can't complain because I love it. It keeps me sane...and makes me insane, all at the same time. As I reflect on this past week, I am amazed at the little things that God brings to my life that reminds me of the simplicity, love, and unselfishness of people in poverty. A few weeks ago, we were asked, are the poor really God's blessed? Are they his favored? In Matthew and Luke...Jesus says, blessed are the poor in spirit and blessed are the poor. He also says, "whatever you do for the least of these, you do for me. Are the poor really more blessed than the rich? For it is said that it is extremely hard for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. In Revelation, it says a rich man thinks he has need of nothing...therefore he doesn't need God. So, again, are the poor God's blessed? What can I, as a woman of God...and someone who as little as I make, is still not considered, POOR, by most's standards, what can I take or learn from the poor? I have asked myself this over the past two weeks....I have watched my kids and see things that astound me...surprise me...and totally humble me.

Let me start with an obvious one. My kids live very simplistically. They are satisfied with whatever they are given. Honestly...they are. Here is an example of something that just really warmed my heart a few days ago. I was sitting in my usual spot at the beginning of the day...in a chair in the Computer Lab. Kevon, a 3rd grade boy, came in grinning as always and said hi to me. We talked for a minute or so then he said, DO YOU WANT TO SEE WHAT I BROUGHT FOR SHOW AND TELL TODAY???? He seemed so genuinely excited...I said yes, and acted like I really wanted to see what it was. He came back in a few minutes later....with 4 beat up matchbox cars. He was like, aren't they so cool? I, of course, acted like it was the coolest thing ever, and well, it was a great moment. As I sat there, I thought, he really really thinks I want to know and want to see this stuff. And, I did. Because it mattered to him, so it mattered to me. And the matchbox cars weren't really that cool...they looked pretty old, but they were special to him...and he was going to show them off...simplicity...so awesome.

Another thing that amazes me about these kids is how unselfish they are. They really are. I see it everyday. See, the kids go to the corner store before coming to the center everyday. And, they buy 2 or 3 bags of chips (the little bags most of the time), usually a pop, and sometimes some candy. And they come in...and they share. And they also get candy once a week for city of the week and they get candy for bringing stuff back a lot and stuff. Yesterday, Zyliek had brought a paper back signed, so he got himself some M&Ms. First thing he does? He asks me if I want some. I said, no thanks. And I sat there and watched him. A few minutes later Devin walks in. He says...I want some! Without even BLINKING, Zyliek pours some into his cupped hands. I smiled...and I thought about a few weeks ago. When Naima was given Reces peanut butter cups for making honor roll. She grabbed them, walked over to her brother...without being asked...and handed him one of the two cups and then went and sat down. Seth walked over to her and said, Naima, you don't have to give your brother any of that...you earned it fair and square. She looked up at Seth with this look of amazement and said, "but their his favorites." Then looked back down and started eating hers. Unselfishness....what a thing we can all learn from. I know I can.

Finally, another thing I'm learning from these kids is love. Yes, one thing they are really bad at is they like to make fun of each other...and we try so hard to teach them about being nice to each other and saying kind words. But, at the same time they are so loving to each other and us. Again, I have been sick and I missed work on Monday. I came in on Tuesday, not feeling too well but I knew I didn't want to miss another day. I promise you, almost every single kid in the center asked me how I was feeling. The ones i'm closest to came in, SHASTA!!! Ran over and tried to give me a hug (which I shyed away from since I was still pretty sick)...and immediately asked me how I was. And it was an honest question. How are you? Are you still sick? Why don't you go home? These kids, they cared. They, in their own ways, were loving me. I felt liked they cared more than my co-workers! Lol And everyday, they have asked me how I was feeling. Not only do they love that way, but I see it in the way they treat their brothers and sisters. Yeah, sometimes they argue with them...but they genuinely care for them and take care of them. Most are pretty much raising their younger siblings, so you just see this motherly instinct with them. And the boys...I see Devin wait everyday for his younger sister before he comes to the center...I see Boozie walk in and immediately go give his younger bro a hug cuz he hasn't seen him all day. I see the love they have for their family members. And, it humbles me. It shows me the love we are supposed to have for each other...an "agape" love. Something that isn't conditional...but something that no matter what...you love them.

There are a million other things that make me realize that in some ways...we can learn so much from the poor. So much for youth...and so much from poor youth. Lol I realize that I learn more from them than I could ever teach them.

Finally, I am so grateful for the opprotunity to be a part of this ministry. Even if it will only be a year. Everyday, I am greeted by the sounds of laughter, the faces of smiling children, and the best hugs you can ever imagine. And, all the tears, all the tiredness, all the pain, and all the sickness I go through here...it's all worth it the moment Elvalenna walks in...walks over to me, gives me a hug and hands me a picture that says "i love you" written in glitter and says..."here I made this for you." It's all worth it...It's all worth it.

Youth

Lord, if you could help me understand why a CHILD at 13 years old would want to have sex, that would be great. Because see, I dont understand it at all. Not at all.

13 years old and scared that she's pregnant? 13 YEARS OLD and SCARED THAT SHE'S PREGNANT. (Thankfully she found out she's not)

What is wrong with this world? Where have we failed? Where has the church failed? Where have families failed?

God help us...thank you for calling me to youth ministry. I fear it is a burden that I cannot undo...I fear it is a burden too big for me. Can I, one person, really make a difference? Am I, one person, really making a difference? This is a question that haunts me daily...

These kids, OUR FUTURE, they have so many pressures these days. Faced with so many decisions at such a young age. What can we do to help these children?

Lord, if you can help me understand why a CHILD at 13 years old would want to have sex...that would be great. Because see, I dont understand it at all. Not at all.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Monday is MLK day...most schools and many businesses close for the special day. Yet, I can't help but think that Dr. King's day has become a little commercialized...his words have become less passionate and moving...and his dream a thing of the past.

I personally still get moved to the point of tears when I read his speeches and letters. They hit to the very core of my being...especially his letter from a Birmigham jail:

"We have waited .for more than 340 years for our constitutional and God- given rights. The nations of Asia and Africa are moving with jetlike speed toward gaining political independence, but we stiff creep at horse-and-buggy pace toward gaining a cup of coffee at a lunch counter. Perhaps it is easy for those who have never felt the stinging dark of segregation to say, "Wait." But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate-filled policemen curse, kick and even kill your black brothers and sisters; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six- year-old daughter why she can't go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see ominous clouds of inferiority beginning to form in her little mental sky, and see her beginning to distort her personality by developing an unconscious bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five-year-old son who is asking: "Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?"; when you take a cross-county drive and find it necessary to sleep night after night in the uncomfortable corners of your automobile because no motel will accept you; when you are humiliated day in and day out by nagging signs reading "white" and "colored"; when your first name becomes "nigger," your middle name becomes "boy" (however old you are) and your last name becomes "John," and your wife and mother are never given the respected title "Mrs."; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never quite knowing what to expect next, and are plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you no forever fighting a degenerating sense of "nobodiness" then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait. There comes a time when the cup of endurance runs over, and men are no longer willing to be plunged into the abyss of despair. I hope, sirs, you can understand our legitimate and unavoidable impatience...But though I was initially disappointed at being categorized as an extremist, as I continued to think about the matter I gradually gained a measure of satisfaction from the label. Was not Jesus an extremist for love: "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." Was not Amos an extremist for justice: "Let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream." Was not Paul an extremist for the Christian gospel: "I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus." Was not Martin Luther an extremist: "Here I stand; I cannot do otherwise, so help me God." And John Bunyan: "I will stay in jail to the end of my days before I make a butchery of my conscience." And Abraham Lincoln: "This nation cannot survive half slave and half free." And Thomas Jefferson: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that an men are created equal ..." So the question is not whether we will be extremists, but what kind of extremists we viii be. We be extremists for hate or for love? Will we be extremist for the preservation of injustice or for the extension of justice? In that dramatic scene on Calvary's hill three men were crucified. We must never forget that all three were crucified for the same crime---the crime of extremism. Two were extremists for immorality, and thus fell below their environment. The other, Jeans Christ, was an extremist for love, truth and goodness, and thereby rose above his environment. Perhaps the South, the nation and the world are in dire need of creative extremists..."

(there is so much more to this letter, but i figured none of you would read the whole thing so i just put a small part in it. i suggest if you have time to read the whole thing though.)

I was talking to a little girl the other day at work and she told me her sister doesn't like white people. I asked why and she didn't answer me then I looked at her cousin and asked her if she liked white people. The other girl looked at me with her big brown eyes and said, "why Shasta? You aren't white, you are light-skinned." Then it hit me. White and Black has become less about the color of one's skin and more about the "sterotypes" people have been taught their whole lives. When she looks at me she doesn't see me as a white person because then everything she has been taught about 'white people' will be wrong. Although it warms my heart to know that she doesn't sterotype me in this way, it breaks my heart that she is being taught things about 'whites' and other children are being taught things about 'blacks' that are so untrue in most cases. Yes, there are some people who fit the 'black' or 'white' sterotypes taught by many people but who am i and who is anyone to be judged by another person's actions and beliefs?

So, as I sit here today, I think...have we really come that far in obtaining Dr. MLK's dreams? Yes, people today can sit, go, eat, sleep anywhere they want, regardless of the color of their skin, thank God. But, I think he wanted so much more than that. I think about the bitterness towards blacks so many whites have. I think about the bitterness towards whites so many blacks have. I feel it sometimes as I walk around my neighborhood...I see the stares and hear the comments. And, I look at people and want to shout, look beyond the color of my skin and look at the content of my character! Dr. King said that by the way. It all makes me wonder, with all the plays, rememberances, and other things we have in Dr. King's honor...does it stir up any emotions? Do we ever sit back and think about the racism that still goes on today?

I'm sure I will stir up a lot of feelings when people read this. Maybe some will even comment...i'd love for you to. But, honestly, I really just want people to look at themselves, at their neighborhoods, at their schools, and ask the question...how far have we, not as a society or government, but we as human beings...as neighborhoods as families, come from the days when MLK preached and spoke about freedom and justice?

God bless you all, and taking Dr. King's words...your's for the cause of peace and brother(sister)hood, Shasta.

Christmas

Merry Christmas bloggers! It's a beautiful, sunny day here in Arkansas. I am sitting here, wanting to write this post but I have a million thoughts running through my mind right now. A million that all circulate around the real meaning for Christmas. This whole commercialized idea of Santa Claus is fun and bring many people around the world happiness-but for what? For one day, then we all head back to the real world-the work force, school, or whatever else humans do. The real meaning of Christmas is not for just one day. The real meaning of Christmas is joyous and a daily living experience. For the real meaning of Christmas is love. God's love for us in sending his only son and Jesus' love for us in becoming sin so that we will no longer be slaves to this world. It's awesome to see how nice people become around Christmas, all of sudden people are buying gifts for the less fortunate, parents are actually spending time with their kids, and men and women around the world actually seem...happy. Smiling, laughing, giving...all these are great and wonderful. Can you imagine, though, if people were this way all the time? If we could have Christmas every day of the year? These ideas of helping people who dont have anything? These ideas of spending time outside of work with your family? The idea of smiling at people walking down the street? God is love, Jesus is love, Christmas is love. Oh, how I wish that people could realize that this love is available to EVERYONE, EVERYDAY regardless of how "naughty or nice" you've been, regardless of how much money you spend on presents, or how many presents you buy for the poor. This love, this feeling of JOY is ours, ours to treasure and ours to give. If everyone could spread a little "Jesus Cheer" all the time...would the world be different? Would people be changed? I love Christmas. I love spending time with my family. I love singing Jesus happy birthday. I love seeing my neice's beautiful face light up when she opens presents. I love seeing my mamaw smiling as we all gather around her kitchen for dinner. I love getting a new pair of pjs every Christmas eve. Everything about Christmas brings joy. Everything reminds me of what the true meaning of Christmas really is...love. Love that can only come from my Lord and Savior, for without Him, we would have no Christmas. Sure, maybe we'd have a Santa Claus and jingle bells playing on all the radios, but that isn't Christmas.

May you enjoy Christmas to the fullest. And, although it's easy to get all caught up in the presents and good food-may you take time to thank our Lord for coming to earth all those years ago so that someday we could experience true joy, a joy that only comes from knowing Him and the one true gift-salvation.

Christmas

Oh my goodness...I know I just published another post a little while ago, but I just wanted to let everyone know that I can not believe that I am so blessed to be apart of Breakthrough Ministries. They do so much for the community. Granted, these past 8-10 days have been crazily busy because of prep for Christmas, but oh my gosh the things Breakthrough does for the East Garfield Park Community. For example, I worked around 12 hours today sorting, counting, and pricing items for the "Christmas Store." As I walked around today and just looked at all the stuff that people had donated (new of course) or we had bought (with donated money) it brought me to tears. I can't believe how much Breakthrough does to help our community out. See what we do is we buy or get donated items and resale them marked down like 80%...and all the procedes go to our youth's "earn while you learn" program. The Christmas store sales everything from towels, to cd players, to drills, to even microwaves. And everyone from the women/men in our shelter to anyone in the community can come shop in it. The amount of items we have for the store just absolutely blows me away. Tomorrow is the store and then tomorrow night, we are having a "Christmas Celebration" for our youth and their families. We are having food and some of our kids perform (essay reading, choir, praise dance...). Its a great time for the parents to come and see what we've been up to lately.

Oh, and the Christmas party for the kids was a big success. We only had a few who were upset about their gifts. Most of them were so excited they squealed and smiled and ran around showing off their presents! I took lots of pictures so hopefully i'll be uploading them soon to here!

Anyways, if you ever want to donate to a ministry or non-profit organization that is really doing some awesome and amazing things in their communities...check us out at Breakthrough. It is unbelieveable and humbling to me of all that we do! I love it and love seeing how much Jesus is working through us to change our community!