So I'm actually typing this as I'm riding in the car headed to Arkansas. I know, the beauty of technology! Or maybe the sadness of it all...being so connected to the world at all times!

Sitting here or as I like to say it, setting here...driving back to the place I grew up, its just all very surreal. Almost like it shouldn't be happening. Of course I shed some tears today, especially when I saw tears falling from my kids eyes but also saying goodbye to my good friend and coworker Robin.

The drive is always the worst. You begin to think of all the shoulda coulda wouldas and it just depresses you more. I wonder if I could have done things differently, I mean I know the impact I've had has been huge, I know that I am leaving a good "wake" and not a bad one but yet I still can't help but sit and wonder if I could have done more. Have I lived these last two years to the fullest? I hope so. I would like to believe so.

I know I'm leaving changed and I hope that in some ways, the kids have changed as well. I hope that I have done what God has called me to do these last two years.

I know that these next few days will be very hard for me...trying to find my way again, figuring out how to navigate the job search process and living in a place that will probably seem a little foreign to me at first.

I hope that it doesn't hit me all at once...I hope I can ease into it. I am nervous and worried and scared. Yet as I was talking to a friend of mine, she reminded me ever so gently that God is in control and to haved Faith that he will provide and be with me in this transition.

I am so thankful for these amazing women who are blessing me with an almost free ride to Arkansas. The laughter and good times we are already having could beat a u haul any day!

So as I am headed home, I am fully aware of my sadness but also the love I have felt these last few days. Surround me with love Jesus, it is exactly what I need!

Mixture of Feelings

This past week has been extremely hard for me and I can only imagine that the next few will be equally as hard. The reason it has been so hard is realizing that before I know it, it will be my last day. Before I know it, I will be moving away from the people I have spent the last two years pouring into, loving, and sharing my life with. I have had many fitful nights of sleep, weird, upsetting dreams, and just realizing the big impact Breakthrough and the people of Chicago have really made on my life.

Of course, I cannot wait to spend some quality time with my nieces. To actually be able to go see them whenever brings joy to my heart. I also can't wait to spend day in and out with Jeremy, learning more about him and our relationship. And of course, spending real time with my family is also very exciting.

Yet, as I sit here, planning for tomorrow's activities, I cannot wait to see my kids' smiling faces again. It literally breaks my heart to know that before long, I will not see them for a really extended period of time. I wonder, how will I tell them? I feel as though I am letting them down. I feel as though I am almost forsaking them. Is that weird? I know that it is time, I know that Chicago is not "home" for me, yet it is so difficult to think about leaving the children whom I have invested so much of my time in.

Just yesterday, we had our final softball game of the season (WE WON YAY) and as the game ended and we were packing up to leave, I looked into the eyes of one of my children and broke down. She was like why are you so upset? I just said its the end of the season, I just can't believe its already here. She was satisfied with that but I thought to myself, its more than just the end of the season for me.

Of course, change is always difficult. Leaving a place is always super hard and I know that God will lead me in a new direction and eventually I will find a new organization to pour my heart into. Yet, again, it is extremely difficult for me to think about that right now. I am trying so hard to stay "present" and really value every moment I have with the kids for I know before long it'll come to an end.

Please pray for me as this time is coming to an end. Please pray that I will spend the next 5 weeks truly enjoying my time with my kids and friends here. Please pray that this transition will go smoothly, God will give me complete peace about leaving, and that I will be able to find a job as soon as possible. With making as little as I have, my savings is practically drained so I'm not sure how long I can live without a job.

God is good. I know this. I know this as I say hi to my neighbors and we talk about the weather. I know this as I walk down the street and watch the kids playing in the fire hydrants. I know this as I splash in the water, laughing as the kids try to show me how they can "swim." I know this as I laugh and tease Kanika for being a granny. I know this as Andrea and I go to the beach on Sundays and get some real rest from a long week. I know this as I watch the determination on the faces of our girls as they get up to bat. I know this because every single day I wake up and realize that my life is NOT my own, that I have been crucified with Christ and I know longer live but He in me. I know this because He called me to a purpose greater than my own. I know this because I am fully aware that He is in complete control of my future and that wherever I go next, I will go with the desire to share His love and teach His word.

Sadness. Joy. Fear. Love. Excitement. Worried...A mixture of feelings as I go throughout my days.

Be present. This is all I desire the next few weeks. Please pray for me!

God bless you all.

Relentless Faith

A few weeks ago Jeremy told me about a podcast by Pastor Creflo Dollar. I was listening to his podcast this morning, a message called Relentless Faith.

Here is the gist of the message:

Can God trust you to be faithful?

We all know that God is faithful, the same today, tomorrow, and forever. But, can God really trust us to be faithful?

All the devil wants to do is get you to quit. I know this all too well. Lately, I've wanted to quit. I just want to leave this ministry and go find a really good paying job. Sometimes, I want to quit and say these kids aren't ever going to change.

Yet God calls us to faithfulness. A life of faith requires faithfulness. Scripture says a faithful man who can find? Faithful means dependable, trustworthy, true, steadfast, solid, loyal, reliable, sturdy, trusting, the same, tried and true.

Can God trust you to do what you were last told you to do? Especially in times of trouble...faithful even in the midst of struggles?

A faithful man shall abound in blessings. Its hard not to be blessed when you're faithful.

Don't quit. When times get hard, when everything seems to be going wrong, when those that you are pouring into fall down, don't quit.

I want to be not just a person of faith, but a faithful person.

Can God trust you to be faithful? One of the things Pastor Dollar said was, "everyone seems to be out of the closet except Christians." Meaning so many Christians hide their faith. So many quit when times get rough.

God calls us to faithfulness. Honestly, thats the only thing we can really give God...faithfulness.


"It is by the test of your faith that develops perseverance. Perseverance's must finish it's work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything....blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:2-4, 12.

Don't quit. Be faithful.


God bless you all!

Courage

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." -Mary Anne Radmacher


I love this quote.

As I have been studying for my first class, I have already learned a lot. One thing we did last week was talk about our strengths and weaknesses.

I think one of my biggest weaknesses can be that I do not always have the courage to believe in a person or system's ability to change. So often, I see kids fall into the same destructive patterns that their family members have done or that everyone around them is doing. It breaks my heart to see children with so much potential throw it all away. I often think courage has to be this huge step of faith or this "roar" that all can be solved.

Yet, I this quote reminds me that courage can be a quiet, persistent and consistent voice. A gentle reminder to never give up. A gentle reminder that God is a big God and that He can do anything.

And I am learning to look and celebrate the small victories instead of focusing only on the "big picture." There are small victories and small changes that my kids are doing daily, and yet I so often overlook them. I must celebrate these small changes. I must, when I feel as though I have failed, be courageous enough to say at the end of the day, I will try again tomorrow.

Like I have said before, sometimes faith is putting one foot in front of the other, walking intent on not tripping. I am seeking to have faith in people's ability to change and grow, and know that even if they do trip, God can pick them up, dust them off, and I will try again the next day.

Courage.

Celebrate the small victories and changes you see in those around you. Have the courage to look back at the end of a hard day and say I will try again tomorrow.

God bless you all.