Failure

There are some days when I walk away from work thinking, man did I totally fail today. I am one of those people who take their work home with them. I usually come home and I don't think about the good things that happened but I think about the times throughout the day that I could have done this or that better or at least differently. I think about the moment when I snapped at this kid or was quick to judge this other kid's motives or I should have done this instead of that. And I come home feeling almost like I have failed not only my kids but God as well.

Minstry is hard that way. Sometimes I think to myself, am I really doing all I can? Did I reflect Jesus when I was talking to this kid or disciplining that kid? Did my tone really reflect Jesus or did my attiude show Christ's love? How about when I did this or that?

And so often...I walk away thinking, man did I fail today! I am a very passionate and genuine person, so most of the time, I wear my feelings on the outside. I get home and I second guess every time I disciplined or child or how I treated this kid or that kid when something arose. And I sit and I think to myself at times...I failed to show Christ's love.

I have learned so much and I'm learning right now that this situation that is arising is because of two things. One, to show me, for the millionth time, that I can do NOTHING without Jesus. Since I have to be at work much earlier than I did in the school year, I've been less inclined to spend some time with God before work. Somedays I do and somedays I don't. But I've realized that I am nothing and I can do nothing without him. It doesn't matter how much people think I'm good with kids or how "great" of a worker I am, I can't do it without him. I learn the hard way somedays. I have to die daily to myself and ask him to guide my words, my thoughts, and my actions throughout everyday.

The second thing is pretty profound to me. I've learned that when I fail, it's the best time to go back and show these kids who Christ is. I need to let them see Christ's mercy and forgiveness. This is something more powerful than anything else I can show them. These kids need to see that I am a sinner and yet, Christ still loves me. I am a failure, yet Christ loves me and he loves them too. Jesus forgives all of our sins, no matter how many times I mess up. I need to let my kids see me with a broken heart and hear me say that my sins are forgiven. My kids mainly absorb that christianity is a list of dos and don'ts but they need to see that Christianity is living for a God who forgives our sins, no matter what, and knowing that he will forgive theirs as well. They need to see that we Christians mess up but then we can come back and say, forgive me because I messed up...and praise God that he has forgiven me as well!

Yes, I fail. Yes, I am definitely not perfect. Yet, God tells us over and over again that he is with us and nothing can make him stop loving us and he will always forgive. He even goes so far as to tell us that when we are weak, then he is strong. When I am weak because I just can't do it...that's when he is with us the most. When we recognize that we are nothing and that we can do nothing without him, this is when our kids will take notice. My kids don't want to know another thing they have to do or know another thing they can't do...they need to know that they are loved, despite it all and that they were made for something greater than theirselves.

So, next time I fail...next time I know i've just screwed up big time with them...I will go to them with a broken heart and tell them about how even though I've messed up, Jesus loves me just as much as before. And how he has forgiven me and that if I can be a Christ-follower as often as I screw up, then anyone...even them...can be too.

I know i'm probably not the best to give advice, but I will anyways lol. I've learned something about being someone that youth look up to for guidance and so I tell you as a person who loves God more than anything else in the world and who desires to show that to my kids... If you mess up, don't be afraid to go to your kids or to your family/friends or whoever it is and tell them about the greatest gift in the world...God's mercy and forgiveness...I will...for I am a clear example of how God can love the worst of sinners.

God Bless you all!